Food Addiction Speaks

I received this from a friend who is also a food addict. It's a humbling reminder of what I and so many other people are dealing with.  Recently, I have been experiencing the thoughts expressed in this article (I have no idea who wrote it, but whoever it was nailed the target). This is quite frightening because I can't afford to let up on my program, especially with my health issues and history of family addictions. It's no joke. Food addiction KILLS. 

www.foodaddicts.org

Hello... just in case you forgot me....

I am your disease.....

I Hate meetings....I Hate higher powers.   I Hate anyone who has a program.  To all  who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction,.  I am cunning, baffling and powerful

Thats Me.  I have killed millions and I am pleased.

 I love to catch you with the element of surprise.  I love pretending I am your friend and lover.

I have given you comfort haven't I?  Wasn't I there when your were lonely?

When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me?  I was there.  I love to make you hurt.  I love to make you cry.  Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry.  When you can't feel anything at all.  This is true gratification.  And all that I ask from you is long term suffering.  I've been there for you always.  When things were going right in your life, you invited me.  You said you didn't deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you;.  Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life.  People don't take me seriously.  They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes, they take seriously.  Fools.  Without my help these things would not be possible.  I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited.  You choose to have me.  So many have chosen me over reality and Peace. 

More than you hate me I hate all of you who have a 12 step program.  Your program, Your meetings, Your higher power.  All of these things weaken me, and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.  Now I must lie here quietly.  You don't see me but I a growing bigger than ever.  When you only exist, I may live.  When you live I may only exist.  But I am here....

Now until we meet again, If we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.

Relapse sucks. Seriously.

It started real slow, real sneaky after I noticed that could "get away with" eating a "little bit of this" and a "little bit of that".  The weight was still dropping, fast.  It just kept coming off, so I thought those little bits didn't matter. But I was wrong...very, very wrong.

I'm a food addict. I need boundaries, especially with food, and moving on from there, with living my life.  But before I began a program that addressed my food addiction, I didn't know how to stop eating. Let's get real here--I'm the type of gutter-level food addict who binged so bad for a 14 hour period that I ripped a hole in my stomach lining (hernia). I didn't know that at the time, of course. I was too busy eating more food. I felt something in my stomach had stretched and popped after I had been throwing all that food up (even I have limits, apparently) for four hours, but I didn't do anything about it. It didn't even occur to me to call a doctor. I was morbidly obese, somewhere over 350 pounds at the time. I knew the drill by then--go to the doctor, hear the "lose some weight and your symptoms will disappear" speech, go home feeling lower than sh*t, open the refrigerator to get something to numb that feeling. I wasn't aware that this was the pattern I had developed over the years. It was what I did, unconsciously and automatically. If I was taking a breath, I was thinking about what I was going to eat, where I would eat it, how much money it would cost (I had contingency plans in case I didn't have enough money to eat exactly what I felt like I wanted), where I would eat it...on and on.

That has been my life, day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, from the time I got my first "hit" eating a half bottle of chewable vitamins at age 5 until...well, we'll see how I do today.  It's all about staying in today, which is something that I'm not in the habit of doing. That's all I can handle because I'm in that emotionally agonizing infernal place of knowing that I have to work my recovery program to keep alive, but hating every second of it because it leaves me emotionally vulnerable.  Like most food addicts I've talked to, I love comfort, ironically enough. I have always been very uncomfortable and revolted by the appearance of my body, even when I working my recovery diligently and I was 65 pounds thinner than I am right now. But that encompassing hatred of my body has been superseded by the irresistible need to succumb to the familiar calm and the anesthetic effect food has always had on me.

"Face your fears, get out of your comfort zone." That's what my sponsor tells me now. How do you do that when you are accustomed to reaching for some of this and that before you can answer the telephone or say hello to someone?  It freaks me out, to be honest. I was calm and in charge on food, at least that's how I felt. I clearly remember that I never felt the level of anxiety on a minute by minute basis the way I do now.  I don't know how people get through the work day without having a stash in your desks drawers, and taking vending machine breaks throughout the day. Maybe the rest of you have your own addiction problems that don't show up on your body the way mind do. A part of me wishes I did have one of those "hidden" addictions--you know, being addicted to relationships (and that's in spite of the fact that  I'm a relationship anorexic; I'll take a down home Southern food or working on my writing over a man ANY DAY), playing video games, collecting coupons, going to comic book conventions...actually, I take back collecting coupons and playing video games.  Those might not show up as pounds on the body, but I can't see myself doing them. They're way too complicated.

These are the facts: I know the food plan; I don't have to scramble around trying to figure out how to buy and fix the food the way I did when I was a newcomer. What I have do now is pray for the courage to remain abstinent from flour, sugar and excess food, call my sponsor on me, do my prayers and quiet time, call my fellow food addicts for help and write down what I'm gong to eat the next day and how I've been feeling during the day--EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL, something I didn't do with any consistency in the past. It's simple enough plan for living. But it's definitely not easy. When I went on diets, I never changed my thoughts and behaviors. My recovery absolutely demands that I do both. And I have to do it, if I don't want to die  If you want to know what I'm talking about, check out my previous posts about all of my health issues here . And here. And here. Oh hell, if you don't have anything better to do right now, read this here.

Until next time, folks.