Flour products and fat. That's what kills abstinence for me. Forget cake, ice cream, cookies...I'll eat 'em, but I CRAVE bread and cheese. In almost any form.
Detox sucks butt. Seriously. I got into a really, really bad space that more than likely began months ago: "So what if the protein isn't EXACTLY 4.0 ounces? It's not like I'm going to gain any weight if it's 4.05!" "Dammit, I don't feel like making outreach calls right now. I wanna read my book (or watch a movie)! I'll make six calls tomorrow!" "I'm too tired to read the Big Book! I've read it about 100 times already!"
Not EVEN a slippery slope. Try fast-moving mudslide down the mountain that ends with a big dirty mess at the bottom. That's what breaking my abstinence has been like for me. And denial? Angela bright and cheery: "No, I'm o.k.! Everything's fine!" I slid down that muddy mountain hand in hand with Ms. Major Denial. I'm puddling deep in the Valley in the Shadow of Death. That's what breaking my abstinence means to me right now.
There is a rather worrisome snag in doing this life-saving program--I hate the food, meaning, the food I have to eat for recovery. It's healthy, nutritious and all that, but it's not very tasty. ESPECIALLY breakfast--plain yogurt, plain oatmeal (and I do mean PLAIN, as in no milk, butter, natural or artificial sugar)and a serving of fruit. Of course, I only like the fruit. The rest is tortuously disgusting. But apparently, a low bottom, gutter level food addict like me has to learn to eat for nutrition only. Taste has nothing to do with it. If it tastes good, I'll want to eat more. And more. And more. So I grimly tolerate the stuff. I used to put artificial sweetener on the yogurt and oatmeal, but I can't do that anymore. It just leads me back to my addictive eating. So right now, I loathe breakfast. And it used to be my favorite meal of the day.
This is where I am right now. I have to be honest because pretending to be Ms. Mary Sunshine about the food just got me into lying about what I was really eating, and a seriously dangerous break in abstinence. With that in mind, I end this post by saying this to get out what I am truly feeling right now:
IT SUCKS!!! IT SUCKS;IT SUCKS; IT SUCKS!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comments are always appreciated, except when they are nasty.