This would have been me

Saying a prayer of gratitude for the gift of recovery today, and sending a healing prayer to this woman and everyone else who is trapped in the hell that is food addiction.

From the TLC Channel: Marla's Journey

/Marla's journey

The highest weight I saw on a scale was 400 pounds. I hadn't weighed myself for years, and the typical bathroom scales back then (around 2000) only displayed weights up to 300 pounds. I was obviously over that. But I needed to know how much I weighed because I felt that if I saw the numbers, it would shock me into taking action. My opportunity to see the numbers came. One day I was in grocery shopping in Safeway, and I went to the ladies room. On my way there, I saw a huge scale that I assumed the store's butchers used to weigh huge pieces of meat that was brought in from their wholesalers. It was a digital scale. After looking around to see if anyone was nearby, I stepped on it. The LED display briefly flashed at 400 pounds, and I very quickly stepped down. Then I left as fast as I could. 

Looking back, I can't believe the amount of emotional pain and worry I caused my family. There are no words to describe the amount of regret that I have about that. But the best thing I can do is continue to recover and work on accepting that I can nothing do change the past, but I can do a lot to make sure that I am living in recovery today. Just for today. I don't know about tomorrow; it isn't here yet. But just for today, I have a program, and I will work it to the best of my ability. Thank you, God.

Food Addicts In Recovery

Aaaand, the headline shouts...

FORMER "BIGGEST LOSER" CONTESTANT BEING SUED OVER WEIGHT GAIN

All right, I shouted the headline with all caps too. Bad writer, bad, bad writer (slap). I've never been a fan of "reality" television shows since they have been gained a stronghold in American pop culture by exploiting what is inherent in every single one of us who is a member of the genus and subspecies Homo sapiens sapiens: character defects. None of us have been spared from having these, in fact, I say that it our journey in life to discover what they are and, over a lifetime, dispell them by any means necessary. It's hubris for some people to think that they are the fortunate ones who are inhumanly perfect, and have the indisputable right to judge, ridicule and cast aspersions on the hapless lots baring their personality warts before millions of people. Yes, it's so easy to do from the comfort of one's living room couch. I haven't been a fan since the first season of MTV's "The Real World" aired, which I watched with my then teenaged children. After two seasons, I started going back to my bedroom for my beloved reading time, which my children interrupted with "Real World" updates during commercials. But that was enough for me. Little did I know that the barometer of "reality" shows was about to dip far below what I consider the lowest point on the debauchery scale. And even worse, people would eagerly sign up to be humilitated in front of their peers on a weekly basis. I'm sure money has a lot to do with it. During an economic downturn, people become willing to do anything, a point that I feel was very aptly made in the Sydney Pollack disturbing 1969 movie, They Shoot Horses, Don't They? Altough it is not a reality show, it demonstrates how hopeless people can be easily manipulated into debasing themselves for the entertainment of others.

Now, I don't know if "Biggest Loser" star Tara Costa was hopeless when she joined the reality show cast.  Moreover, I don't know if the producers consider their show to be debasing. I wouldn't know; I've never watched it and I never will. However several media sources have been reporting that Ms. Costa apparently lost a lot of weight and, as that infamous web site TMZ  has declared, "...if re-gaining a bunch of weight wasn't bad enough, former "Biggest Loser" star Tara Costa is now being SUED for porking up again." Porking up, huh? Yeah, that's really clever "journalism", folks. (Don't get me started on the current state of my once beloved profession; that's a topic for a different blog.)  However, if Ms. Costa is a person like me, a food addict, then it was only a matter of time before the pounds would start coming back on. In fact, it won't matter how many Iron Man triathalons she runs, how many laps she swims or miles she cycles--it will never be enough to stop IF she has what I call "The Beast" pounding away at the sensible parts of her brain like I do. Furthermore, I don't know her and I can't rightfully refer to her as a food addict like me. Now, for the logical question: what is a food addict? I can waste a lot of time describing what it is, but Dr. William D. Silkworth, author of the article "The Doctor's Opinion" that is included in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", does a much better job of describing the addiction process than I can:  

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.

 Now, if you substitute the words "flour, sugar and excess portions of food"  for "alcohol", and "food addicts" for "alcoholics", the meaning and implication of the above quotation will make more sense. Hence: "...the action of flour, sugar and excess portions of food on these chronic food addicts is a manifestation of an allergy: that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate eater."

What does that mean? For the food addict, eating flour, sugar, and excess portions of food creates this disturbance in the brain in which the addict keeps eating, and eating, and eating, even when the actual physical hunger has long ceased, and the stomach is so packed with food that it becomes painfully distended. Now, normal eaters do this from time to time during special occasions such as holidays, birthday, wedding and retirement parties, travel cruises...many people do "I can't believe I ate the WHOLE THING" scenario at different times in life. Dr. Silkworth would call those people "temperate eaters". But chronic food addicts do this kind of eating on a daily basis, even when they are watching themselves go back for more, and a part of their conscious minds screams out, "NO! What are you doing? You're going to eat yourself to death; you can't possibly fit anymore food in your stomach!" Yet, to their own horror, he or she fills up another plate, or stands at the refrigerator or stove eating out of cartons, containers or pots and pans until passing out, much like an alcoholic does. This uncontrollable behavior is the result of what Dr. Silkworth describes as "the phenomenon of craving":

I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control.
There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight. (From the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, "The Doctor's Opinion")

How many times has a person who is fat/obese or morbidly obese been told to "have some will power" or "self discipline"? Or, "I know the PERFECT diet for you; my cousin/best friend/coworker lost 85 pounds in three months!" And the overweight person tries these methods, and sometimes they work--for a short period of time. They lose 85 pounds, then to their dismay, gain 100 pounds back within six months or a year. What happened? Didn't they follow the dieting instructions and use all kinds of mental discipline to prevent that weight gain? Do they like being fat? All it takes is some will power; what kind of weak-willed "loser" goes through all that trouble to take off the weight, then gains it all back? What's going on here? Why can't they lose the weight and KEEP it off?

And, how many times has someone with a binge/purge disorder ate until they were in extreme pain, then "got rid" of the food through vomiting or laxatives or excess exercise (and in some cases, all three methods) because they KNEW they couldn't stop eating and dieting didn't work for them? They do this in spite of the fact that purging throws the body into extreme disarray, causing a multitude of potential health problems. Not to mention that purging really isn't an effective method of weight loss or maintenance.

IF Ms. Costa is a food addict or has a binge/purge eating disorder, I feel very badly for her. Unlike her, people with serious food issues can recover within the safety of a 12 step program's anonymity, and they don't have to go through the added stress and anxiety of people whose motives were to capitalize on her reality show popularity for their businesses. Sure, sure, she was a willing participant and received a considerable amount of money by signing that contract. However, IF she is addicted to food and had no awareness of that, there was no way she could have predicted her inevitable weight gain and, as many food addicts have experienced, the unraveling of everything she had worked so hard to create for herself in her life. Gaining weight is miserable enough, but to also watch helpless misery as your life spins out of control and all the commitments and promises you have made to yourself and others go unfulfilled? Nightmarish. On top of all that, the various news outlets have been reporting and broadcasting statements made by chief executive officer of FC Online Marketing Michael Parrella, which probably feels like someone pouring a salt and vinegar mixture into a gaping chest wound.  I'm sure Mr. Parrella doesn't understand anything about food addiction or eating disorders. Even if he did, he probably wouldn't care. Just like the manager who fires the alcoholic/coke addict after repeated warnings to "get it together", his concern is the solvency of his business. And that is as it should be.

I can't help but wonder that if Ms. Costa or Mr. Parella had received some information about the devastating physical, mental and emotional effects food addiction and eating disorders can have on a person's life,  that this situation could have turned out differently. Perhaps none of this would have been hashed out in the public; both parties could have met and discussed the issues involved, agreed that Ms. Costa would need some additional support, and resolved everything without the public airing of legal dirty laundry.  But that doesn't satisfy the public's hunger for titillating gossip and scandals, does it? I mean, who needs to shoot horses when the entire world can read about the details of your professional and personal life crashing down around you with impunity?

On August 1, 2009...

...I weighed in at 192.8 pounds. Down from an all time high of 400 lbs. I now wear a size 16 top, and a size 18 bottom. I haven't been this size since the summer before junior high school. By the time school started in September, I was already busting out of all those nice school clothes my mother bought me from J.C. Penney's. She was most unhappy with me. Looking back, I can see why. What a difference 39 years makes. At the time, I was smoldering with unexpressed rage about Mom going on and on about how much money she spent on school clothes, and I couldn't wear hardly any of them. I felt like crap.

I don't feel like crap anymore, but I'm not jumping up and down with glee, either. In fact, I'm just reflecting; I'm not sure of what this means. I don't even know how to feel right now.

More about this later, when I can put words into feelings....

5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't)

If 80s movies taught us anything, it's that at some point you're going to run into a mysterious relic that lets you switch bodies with other people.Would you use it? Would you choose to switch lives with, say, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie or Dale DeBone? Most people would.

read more | digg story

The PC thing to say would be (of course) "No, I don't want any of those things. I want world peace and goodwill toward all men (and women). Money doesn't make you happy, it certainly doesn't buy you love; power corrupts; beauty is only skin deep; and geniuses are too weird to tolerate."

And if you really believe that, you are one of the ascended masters of the spiritual realm sent here to demonstrate to the rest of us superficial humans how to tread the narrow path to bliss. Come on now. Kill your denial.

I'm willing to admit that I have felt that money and beauty (more specifically, a beautiful body, muscular and curvy like Tina Turner back in the "What's Love Got to Do With It?" days), would make me extremely happy. And I wasted a lot of time in my life believing that. Well, I can use more money (can't everyone), but I would be considered very rich if I lived in Nigeria, or the Philippines, or Brazil. That's little solace when my light bill is now due, but it is a different way of viewing life on earth.

And about having a Tina Turner circa 1980s body--even Tina doesn't have that body anymore. That was over twenty years ago! Besides, I have gained and lost so much weight over the years that I have folds on top of folds of hanging skin. Just call me "Baggy Saggy Baby". And stretch marks? Five generations of 'em. Only extensive plastic and reconstructive surgery would give me that lean Tina look. And even if I got it, then what? According to the cracked.com article, I would still find no solace in life. I might as well enjoy my every-widening circle of friends, practice altruism, and remain faithful to the tenets of the Baha'i Faith because that is what will truly make me happy. I can live with that.

Back from Bosch part 1

(Angela's note: It's interesting to read these posts over a year later. The changes in my life have been wonderful, disconcerting, frightening, and humbling. And I credit my current participation in recovery and a over 100 pound weight loss since the day this post was written, to a beautiful young woman living in Australian who read this three part series of posts, and sent me that generous and loving email response. Her willingness to reach out and help a fellow sufferer of food addiction has transformed my life, and I can't thank her enough. One form of gratitude is to work the program to the very best of my ability each day, so I can be present for someone who needs to hear experience, strength and hope from someone who has really been through the dregs with food addiction. I can also share my story here, and that's what I'm choosing to do, just for today.

I've resisted the urge to edit these posts, even though I feel they desperately need them. But since they indicate the state of mind I was in at the time, I am leaving them as is.)

I've been avoiding the word "trust" in reference to my relationship to God for a long time now. To be more precise, I've mistrusted God more than I've mistrusted people. And I've trusted people very, very little. Now, I don't want to get into the twisted myriads of reasons why this has been. At this point, that particular discussion is irrelevant. All that matters is that I've opened the door to trusting God wider than a tiny crack, and already I've experienced more miracles in the past three days (or coincidences, for those of you who would rather believe that) than ever before. And believe me, I've seen and experienced a lot of what other people would call "pretty weird stuff", although to me it's just life as usual. I mean, doesn't everyone have doors that open and close by themselves, or lights turning on in a room before you enter it? That's so ordinary to me that I didn't think about it until someone happened to be around and made a comment about my bedroom light coming on by itself. It usually took a moment to understand why they were so excited.

Things like that have always happened in my family, which is probably why I'm so neutral to them. Looking at it from an objective perspective, one would assume that since I've grown up around "weird things" being an almost every day occurrence that I would readily accept the idea that there are mysteries in life that cannot be easily explained, and the Supreme Force behind those mysteries certainly must be more powerful and all knowing that anything I've encountered. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.

Why is this? A fair question, which I will try to answer as coherently as possible. In spite of all "weird stuff", I've had to face the very same real-world problems like any one else. And unlike any one else, I haven't fared very well. My struggles to overcome compulsive overeating has been a catalog of repeated failures. Then there's the debt-to-income issue, which is something most people in America have to deal with. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone, but at the same time, it's disconcerting to realize that my debt factor, due to student loans, is fairly high while my income is pretty much below the poverty line. At my age, that's down right scary, considering that I should have built up a tidy little nest egg of IRAs, 401Ks, mutual funds and bonds for my retirement by now. I maintain the minimum balance in my savings account each month, and that's about it.

Add to that relationship problems with opposite sex, on-going emotional issues that originate from growing up with a very stubborn alcoholic father and an equally stubborn co-dependent mother, and you can see how I came to the conclusion that while there is God, who has created the universe, that same God hasn't been much help in a very practical manner in my life. A more precise distillation of the situation would be, "I'm fat, and God hasn't helped me with that."

I've turned an important corner in debunking that belief this past weekend with Linda Kavelin Popov and Dan Popov this past weekend. The only way I can describe how this happened is to tell the story of my Labor Day weekend with the Popovs.

It began with my friend Mari calling me last Thursday to ask me if I wanted to attend the Popov session at Bosch. I gave her the same answer the last time she asked--no. I couldn't afford it. Then she told me that she would ask the Rancho Cordova Baha'is to grant a scholarship to attend. I was reluctant because I knew the community has limited amounts of available funds, and I didn't want to add to the problem. She assured me that there was money for the scholarship, and told me to call Bosch to see if there was any more rooms available.

When I called Bosch, I was told that the session was completely sold out. Even the summer cabins were filled. When I told Mari this, she told me to check back with them in the morning. I did, and apparently a few people changed their plans for the weekend. I went to Bosch with Mari and another friend, Dianne. In spite of the fact that the Bay Bridge leading to San Francisco was closed for the entire Labor Day weekend and the usual Bay Area traffic had to be diverted to some of the freeways we had to use, we had a relatively smooth ride way to Santa Cruz.

The workshop was facilitated by Linda Kavelin-Popov, who founded the Virtues Project (www.virtuesproject.com) and her husband, Dan Popov, who is child psychologist and an excellant storyteller. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from the workshop, except for one thing: I already knew what they were going to say. Arrogant. I know. But what I didn't know was how their words would affect me on a very profound emotional and spiritual level. My brain stores copious amounts of information, but very little of it seeps into my emotional center. That tender, vulnerable heart chakra is walled off to the public, surrounded by a nearly impenetrable fortress. I have read a lot of self-help and inspirational books, attended many 12 step programs and went through the clairvoyant training program at the Berkeley Psychic Institute. All of those ventures were helpful; they helped me scrape off the outermost layers of resistance to change. Without those experiences, I wouldn't have been so deeply affected by the events that transpired during the workshop.

The change began rather innocuously. After the first two sessions on Saturday, we had an hour break before dinner. I had been instructed to give my friend Mari an energy-clearing healing, so I took advantage of the free time to follow my instructions. When I finished, Mari and I were discussing the healing when somehow, the conversation switched to me. Then Mari, who is not only a UC Berkeley graduate, a well-respected high school math instructor and a loving mom to her children, but also an incredibly powerful Virtues Project facilitator (yes, Mari, I am validating you, and I don't care if it's embarrassing), began using a technique called spiritual companioning. It is a very potent means to cut through all the formidable emotional defenses that I have placed around me. One question led to another, until she asked, "what do you need to heal?" I listened for the answer, and when I heard it, I didn't like it. Have a very good cry. It should suffice to say that I rarely, if ever, cry. Every once and while, something might happen that makes me shed a thin trickle of tears, but not often. I shut down my tear ducts when I was very young. So I told Mari, no way. I'm not crying. It's not something that's easy to do, and I would be very upset if it did happen in front of all those good people at Bosch. Crying seems to make one vulnerable to others, and that's the very last thing I want to do. Especially during my holiday weekend up high in the gorgeous Santa Cruz mountains overlooking the awe-inspiring Pacific coast.

Oprah's Weight Gain

Food addiction. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter how much money you make, how much you exercise, how many fitness coaches and chefs you have...they aren't there when you put a little bit of this and a little bit of that in your mouth, then wonder why you gain five pounds in a week. The food addicted mind conveniently forgets all those little bits, and eats healthy in front of the world. How do I know? Been there, done that. I don't have Oprah's money, chefs or fitness coaches, but I've had plenty of dieting experience and programs, psycho and hypnotherapy, New-Age healing, the strongest anti-depressant medication prescribed for clinical depression (and one side effect is noticeably decreased appetite, which never took place), AND Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery in 2002. And I still gained weight. I can't openly talk about what HAS worked for me (but I can if you email me at the address listed in my profile), but I can say that I know what Oprah has been going through. And I hope she finds the solution I've found.